How to identify a coffee snob.

[Research + Content]

[Published here]

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Yes. You read right. After the wine snob and the cheese snobs prowling our streets, there’s a new snob in town. And unlike the former, who found snob-opportunity only at dinner parties and the like, this new set finds ways to show off their snobbery on a daily basis. Some, multiple times a day, even!

They grind and roast and sniff and slurp like no one’s business – in ways that will even put the most connoisseury wine connoisseur to shame. If you haven’t yet laid eyes (or ears) on this bunch, (it’s probably time to step out from under that rock) here’s some tips on how to identify them.

1. They like it black – like their souls.

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If you’re standing in line at a coffee shop and hear someone place an order for the most basic coffee ever – black, or a double espresso – instead of the usual complex confectionaries you’re used to ordering (seriously, what is a triple macchiato anyway?), that order belongs to a coffee snob. These people believe in drinking coffee in its truest, darkest, bitterest form.

2. Instant Coffee is a joke in their opinion.

Never, ever offer a coffee snob instant coffee. They know that only the trashiest, left-over coffee beans are used to make that 13-month old pack of sludge you like to call “coffee”. It’s coffee at its worst, and they would rather drink tea than let instant coffee anywhere near them. They consider it the utmost insult, and would appreciate it if you never said those words in their presence again.

3. They’re walking-talking coffee encyclopedias.

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Coffee was apparently discovered by a bunch of shepherds in Ethiopia who noticed that their goats were dancing after they ate the coffee cherry. It isn’t enough that coffee snobs drink amazing coffee, they’re walking-talking coffee encyclopedias. They will share in detail the story of their coffee – including its history, geography, and topography. And they will make you taste it. And you will probably love it.

4. They will not enter a commercial coffee establishment.

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They will never set foot in a commercial or mainstream coffee shop. They know that the coffee there is mass-produced, and the baristas are trained like robots. What they will do instead, is sniff out the best artisan coffee shops in the area that serve the freshest local fare, and actually know the difference between a Long Black and an Americano.

5. They don’t slurp as soon as they get their coffee.

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Coffee snobs will never take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it. They know that boiling water was used to extract that double espresso, and that drinking it will just end up burning their taste buds – which means they won’t be able to enjoy the next few cups of coffee they drink. Instead, they wait patiently for their coffee to cool down, and then enjoy it at a leisurely pace.

6. They love their cup, and they love to cup.

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For the uninitiated, cupping is like a wine tasting for coffee. You gauge different coffees based on their aromas and tastes. For someone who loves their coffee because of its subtle nuances, cupping is like a coffee party! Lengthy debates go on about dry and wet aromas, and possible ideas of what that batch of coffee was grown next to – citrus or vanilla.

7. They prefer to carry their brewing equipment with them.

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Coffee snobs have serious trust issues when it comes to unknown people making their coffee. That’s why they have their tried-and-tested coffee shops. They know that the only “coffee” they’ll get on the flight or even in their hotel room, is the instant kind. Which is why, they’re willing to carry all their coffee-brewing paraphernalia when they travel – just in case.

To a coffee snob, coffee isn’t a necessity. It’s a way of life. And there’s no way of avoiding them. We think the best thing to do right now is to embrace them – and get ready to start drinking the best coffee you’ve ever tasted!

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